Hi. My Name is Jean, and I Love Alcoholics...
Jean Heaton
Photo by Josh Applegate on Unsplash
When I first learned of my loved one’s problem with addiction, I thought that I was the only one. I remember going to mass and looking around at the families, sitting in the pews around me thinking, they all look so perfect. What did I do wrong?
Then I went to my first 12-step meeting, and I learned that Catholic families are not immune to the problems of the world. Over time, I started to see that addiction plagues many Catholic families. I gathered this information by going to open Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings where the speaker shares their story.
The first time I heard an opening like this: “Hi, my name is John Doe, and I am an alcoholic and I come from a large Catholic family…” I remember thinking, I’m not alone. Then I heard that kind of introduction again. And again. And again. Until I realized that I was hearing ‘alcoholic’ and ‘Catholic’ together as speakers introduced themselves often.
As I continued going to 12-step meetings, for those affected by the addictions of their loved ones, I grew a little concerned about the language used around God. To be inclusive, 12-step language uses these phrases: higher power, the god of your understanding, and a power greater than yourself.
Because I felt that we were in such a fragile position, I didn’t want to do anything wrong. It was important to me that I didn’t stray outside of the teachings of the Church, so I started digging into the history of Alcoholics Anonymous.
It was in that first Google search that I learned of a connection between Jesuit priest, Father Ed Dowling and Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. Father Ed was driving a few of his Jesuit brothers to AA meetings and they started noticing the similarities between the 12-steps of AA and Ignatius of Loyola’s spiritual exercises.
He was so intrigued that he traveled to New York to meet Bill W. in person. A lifelong friendship was formed upon that first meeting. Father Ed actually became Bill W.’s spiritual advisor.
I felt relief that my new 12-step program aligned with a tool that could be found in our church’s history. I was glad because, these 12-steps were offering actionable, practical steps toward finding peace in the midst of our situation. But what were these spiritual exercises?
Thus, began a journey that continues today. The 12-steps of AA and Ignatian spirituality not only helped me with my loved ones who struggled with addiction, but they also helped me with every aspect of my life. After a while, I realized that while I hated that my loved ones suffer from this disease, I was grateful that I was introduced to these two life-saving tools.
Over time, I’ve come to see that addiction is: dis-ease, dis-order, and disconnection in our relationships to God, self & others. The 12-steps of AA and Ignatian spirituality are the tools that restore ease, order, and connection to God, self, and others.
I think we all suffer from an addiction. Alcohol and drug addiction are obvious because of the obvious destruction they cause the person suffering and their family members. But anyone who becomes enslaved (addicted to) work, exercise, shopping, gambling, money, people-pleasing, sex, food, power, pornography, sugar, etc. can tell you how problematic it becomes when that habit becomes all that they think about.
Ignatian spirituality changed my life. Since so few people of this generation are aware of this lifesaving tool, found in our church’s history, I decided to write about it. It was also important to share my experiences around addiction to let other families know that they are not alone and that there is help.
My goal has always been to change the conversation around addiction. The key to recovery starts with stepping out of isolation. Shame is what keeps most people hiding. Shame keeps families sick.
In October 2020, my book, “Helping Families Recover from Addiction: Coping, Healing & Growing with 12-Step Practices & Ignatian Spirituality” was published by Loyola Press. It was my dream that if someone was too afraid to go to a meeting or reach out to their priest or a counselor, they could get online and order this book so that I could take them by the hand and say, “Follow me. It is going to be okay. You can do this, with God’s help”
I also write blog posts on my website every 7-10 days and I lead recovery retreats at various retreat houses. The schedule can be found on my website at jeanheaton.com.
Very well done...and very needed
Thank you for these eloquent observations, Jean. Much appreciated and filled with hope.